Land of the Has-Been The land of the “Has-Been” is a place where all our memories reside. It is a land filled with many high mountains, deep canyons, turbulent and still waters, blue skies and terrible storms. Land of the Should-Be The land of the “Should-Be” is hazy and foggy filled with mirages that come and go. It is a land created out of wants, needs, expectations, anxieties and hopes. It can be a land of liberation or a land of imprisonment. Land of the What-Is The land

The “Fight to be Right” can begin with almost any comment, opinion, or observation. My experience is that the person who initiates the “fight” almost always does not intend to fight or even to be right. All the person wants is to express an observation, idea, or feeling. Although it usually occurs when there is a negative communication, it can also occur when the communication is positive. She says, “I am glad we remembered your mother’s birthday this year.” He says, “I thoug

The conjunction “but” may be one of the greatest deterrents known to effective communication. Whenever we attempt to communicate an idea to another person and we add to the idea by using the word “but,” we risk essentially negating the first idea. “You did a good job, but…..” No matter what is said next, the listener is prepared to hear a negative and probably has already forgotten the first idea. “Your grades were really good this semester, but….” In the mind and heart o

I believe that marriage is a "garden" we create when we exchange our vows. At that time we build a fence around a large garden (relationship), and inside this fence we plant other gardens. We grow flower gardens that reflect the experiences of joy, beauty, and companionship. Some are annuals and others are perennials as we establish our routines and traditions. We plant vegetable gardens that symbolize those things that nourish our relationship such as our home, belongings, a

When a person seeks counseling, it is usually because they have encountered personal or relational problems they cannot resolve. A part of the process of counseling is to discover how that person has learned to relate and cope with problems throughout their life because those ways may not be working well. During our childhood we acquire basic assumptions about our relationships and ourselves. From our childhood we may acquire the basic assumption that we can generally trust o