True Self-Esteem vs. False Self-Esteem

I have listened to many people struggle with the issue of “Self Esteem.” I suppose the struggle comes with the idea that self-esteem is something that can be given and not earned. Self-esteem that is given is based on what others think of us and what we should be. Self-esteem that is earned is based on what we think of ourselves and know we can achieve ourselves.

True self-esteem is built upon risk, constructed over the foundations of achievement over the pain of failure. No child learns to ride a bicycle by listening to lectures on riding; he or she learns by skinning the knees and elbows until the brain (covered by a helmet) discovers the way to stay upright. Neither does the child learn how to walk without accumulating bumps and bruises for his or her trouble. Certainly, parental encouragement offers motivation and does contribute to good self-esteem. True self-esteem is built by discovering what we can do for ourselves, and who we can be for ourselves, which is the best we can be for everyone else.

Be wary of false self-esteem that is pretended and not painfully achieved. We generally want others to think well of us, and we may want them to think we have true self-esteem even when it was not painfully achieved. Sometimes children learn to be what others want them to be and consequently sacrifice not only true self-esteem but even more tragically, their true selves. All evidence shows this produces depressed, dysfunctional adults who have no idea what it means to be oneself and true to that one unique “Self.”

I view self-esteem as a muscle that needs exercise. Our self-esteem needs to be challenged and worked based on what we can do and who we are. Empty praise for undemonstrated ability is almost always related to the need to be something we are not and therefore produces low or false self-esteem. True self-esteem is built with challenges to meet and high expectations to achieve what we want for ourselves. It means to be committed to our personal talents and dreams. This produces a person who is toughened to life, who meets the inescapable pitfalls and setbacks and possesses the strength to learn from them all. True self-esteem is based on a love of one’s true self that is only attained by the one and only “You.” Self-love is not selfish love. It is the “seed” from which the unselfish love of others can grow and thrive.