ANGER MANAGEMENT | Dealing with First Feelings

“When was the last time you expressed anger and regretted it?” Anger can be our friend, but when the expression of anger causes undesired and terribly painful results, it can become our enemy. We may be ashamed and even horrified that we did not exercise better control of our anger and our behavior.

Anger Management is a popular topic. There are books, articles, workshops and even a movie dealing with the subject. Managing anger is not a new topic. It has been a subject of great concern since Cain killed Abel, and it seems little progress has been made since then.

Anger is a feeling that results when we experience something painful. It is important to remember that anger is not the first feeling we experience. Hurt, physical pain or fear are the “first feelings,” and anger can follow almost instantaneously. Managing anger means we must be aware of the "first feelings", and then we must make choices about how to deal with those feelings. This is not easy because one cannot stop the feeling of anger. Feelings are not chosen; only our reactive behaviors are chosen.

There are many feelings that evoke anger and they are different for every person. What are the painful “first feelings” that make you angry? Rejection, abandonment, helplessness, disappointment, failure, and a sense of being unimportant are some of the major “first feelings.” Which of these feelings are most powerful for you? The painful experiences of life have a great influence on how angry we feel when we encounter a “first feeling,” and how we responded in the past affects how we respond in the present.

Anger management is very difficult, and it may be impossible if we are unaware of the “first feelings.” Identifying our “first feelings” can give us the chance to step back from a situation in which they occur and control our behavior before we regret it.