Loving and Being a Family is Hard Work!

Have you ever been accused of being “defensive?” Of course you have! The well known research of John Gottman and the Gottman Institute has identified “Defensiveness” as one of the indicators of a doomed marriage. I have seen defensiveness in the communication of every family I have known, and certainly I have experienced it in my own family. Defensiveness is a very common trait we see in all relationships, and it can become poisonous. Many years ago,

I wrote an article titled, “Kick BUT” and Improve Communication!” My point was that the word “but” almost always invalidates any communication that is delivered after the conjunction is heard. “You did a nice job painting, but…..” It does not matter what compliment is intended regarding the paint job. It is likely not received. Only the word “but” is received, and the feeling may be one of failure which then results in defensiveness.

“You are so defensive!” she declares. “I am not!” he defends. Whenever I see a couple or family do the “defensive dance,” the communication is filled with annoyance, I realize that whenever we respond defensively, we are unknowingly sending the messages, “You are wrong. You are invalid.” Feeling invalid is very painful and, out of that pain, one may respond with intense anger that is unfortunately met with even more helpless and hopeless defensiveness. The result can be brutal with no winners or losers, but just the casualty of two people who just feel confused, angry and emotionally bruised and disconnected. Gottman is correct. If this is repeated over and over, it eventually poisons the marriage and the family.

Defensiveness is problematic in all human relationships because communication is difficult and complex. In his book, Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg observes that an Indian philosopher, J. Krishnamuriti, “once remarked that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.” This sounds like an exaggeration, but it is true that it is very difficult to simply communicate an observation both verbally and non-verbally that omits evaluation. I include “non-verbally” because we communicate with all our senses.

Did you see her turn up her nose when I spoke? Did you see him role his eyes, and turn his head acting like he did not even hear my greeting when I walked in the room? I could taste the contempt in your tone!

The non-verbal is one of the strongest ways we communicate. Therefore, it requires high emotional intelligence in addition to intellectual intelligence for us to be aware of how often we are evaluating rather than simply observing. Simply observing is absolutely NOT simple or easy!

Any statement of evaluation usually elicits defensiveness, and when we make those statements, we are frequently not aware we are doing it, or that it is being done to us. This introduces the lifelong process of learning to talk and listen with both our brains and our feelings. In fact, our feelings usually give us a lot of information about ourselves, but we are unaware of this information unless we have explored it by talking about ourselves and having trusted friends or family who want to listen. Having someone just listen with interest and no judgement empowers us to share and be open. We feel invited to share and even engage in self-exploration and self-examination.

Why is this simple act of sharing ourselves so difficult in our families? I believe that our love and care for one another can be a barrier to sharing because it is in the spirit of love that we offer help, suggestions, advice and direction. It is what we want to give because we love our spouses, our children, our brothers and sisters, our mothers and fathers. Unfortunately, all this “love” is not received as it is intended. It is often received as not understanding but controlling and directing. In a family or a marriage this scenario frequently results in voices raised, feet stomping and doors slamming.

A family can be a difficult place to communicate and simply love because there are so many responsibilities and activities to be achieved.  A family is a “working organism.” It is a system that is complex and complicated. It is also a place where we are vulnerable and need to be loved. Hopefully, it is the place where we learn to love as we are loved. It is a place where someone smiles and is happy to see us when we walk through the door. It is a place where we sit down together and actually look at one another as we eat and talk and share our day. It is a place where we trust we can share ourselves and our lives, and we will be heard and accepted even when we make mistakes and bad decisions. It is a place where we laugh together, play together and hurt and cry together. In all the noise of just being a family we strive to see one another and hear one another in the good times and the bad.

Being a family is to create a place where we all feel safe. It is a place we call “home” because it is the sanctuary where our bodies and souls are fed with love and acceptance despite stomping feet and slamming doors. A home is noisy and chaotic as well as quiet and peaceful. A family is truly the place where the “heart” needs to be safe and secure, especially in dark and troubled times. Loving and being a family is hard work.